Allthyngs

People these days are pussies; that’s pretty much an undeniable fact. I mean, the prototypical big, scary thing for kids is going to the doctor to get shots. That’s not exactly wearing a glove full of stinging “bullet” ants. Fortunately, soon kids will get to be even bigger pussies, because a man in Japan has invented a way to give vaccines painlessly, through a patch with 300 micro needles that dissolve before they break the dermis of your skin, delivering the medicine.

Read more about the technique inThe Daily Telegraph

God damn, this is what the iPad should’ve been. Ever since the iPad was unveiled, I’ve been trying to figure out how I want technology to work in the future, how I want to interact with it and all that, and this is EXACTLY what I want. Microsoft has unveiled yet another in their recent line of extremely awesome and futuristic things that has totally restored my confidence in them. This one, called “skinput,” lets you use your arm as a touchpad. Check out the video because it’s insanely awesome, especially the part where a guy plays Tetris on his hand. Only one problem… how do I masturbate with it?

Read more about Skinput on Engadget.

Remember those pretty awesome and shockingly honest Domino’s ads from a while back about how their pizza is horrible? Well, apparently the whole “tell people you know your product is bad and you’re sorry” technique worked beautifully, because their sales went way up last quarter. Wouldn’t it be great if this ushered in a new wave of hyper-honest ads from all the people whose products suck? I’m looking at you, Applebees, LMFAO, and Domino’s still.

Read the whole story on The Huffington Post

This isn’t really a huge deal, because you can still find episodes and clips of each at Thedailyshow.com and Colbertnation.com respectively, but it’s fun to watch the old media bumble around confusedly like my grandma trying to buy shoes online. I mean come on, next they’re gonna tell me I can only download movies from one Limewire page at a time and then eat a stick of butter off the table.

Read the full story in The New York Times.

You know how we live in a country with a totally free press and yet for some reason there’s still really nobody out there saying the stuff that needs to get said? Well, apparently that’s because nobody in America has as much courage as your average Chinese newspaper editor, although you probably have to be pretty courageous to become a Chinese newspaper editor so maybe that’s not a fair comparison. There’s a thing in China called the Household Registration system that requires families to sign up with the government as either urban families or rural families, and it’s fairly unpopular because it makes it really hard for poor country families to move into the city. Well, this week 13 newspaper editors came together in China, inspired by the National People’s Congress meeting this Friday, to write a signed editorial protesting the Household Registration system, and they published the editorial in all 13 of their newspapers, although it’s now pretty hard to find any evidence that they did because the story has mysteriously disappeared from all their websites. At least they tried, and good luck to them with whatever hell they’re going through right now.

Check out the whole story on The Huffington Post

According to Science, a really powerful earthquake can speed up Earth’s rotation by shoving stuff closer to the planet’s axis, and if that happened then days would get shorter. According to even more science, the earthquake in Chile this weekend did exactly that, and now every day is 1.26 microseconds shorter. So now you get to live to be older! I mean, over 90 years that comes out to a 20th of a second more of a day you get to live, but every second counts I guess. Also, I’m pretty sure this means that Robin Hood will come out about 1/20,000th of a second sooner, which is kind of cool I guess.

Read more about this microscopic change in your daily life on the Huffington Post

What’s going on is democrats are trying to get spending bills passed because federal spending is the blood that runs through America’s veins, but Republicans refuse to let these bills through because they think they’re adding too much to the deficit and because they give money to a lot of projects they don’t like. Basically, what’s happening now is like the right half of your heart refusing to pump any more blood because it thinks your cholesterol’s too high. Maybe it’s right, and maybe you’ll have some serious problems down the line, but you still need that blood right now or those other problems don’t matter.

Because these spending bills got tied up, 2,000 Department of Transportation workers can’t go to work and get paid right now because there just isn’t the money to pay them. Senator Jim Bunning of Kentucky is holding up the jobless aid and highway construction budget because it would give people unemployment benefits he doesn’t believe in, although now he’s saying he’ll let the budget through if the money comes from what’s left in the stimulus package, because his real concern is adding to the deficit. The Democrats’ solution seems to just be that Jim Bunning surrender to their “might,” so although they’re right that the Republicans are being obstructionists and blocking really important stuff from getting through Congress, that’s pretty much the pot calling the apple green.

Read more about this story in the New York Times

Are you such a fat-ass that eating chocolate is too much work for you? All that chewing and swallowing crap? Well, thanks to a biomedical engineer at Harvard, now you can just put chocolate in front of your face and continue to breathe and be eating chocolate! The best part is it’s virtually calorie-free and still tastes like chocolate! They call it Le Whif, I guess because their marketing department didn’t like the name “Fat People Air.” All jokes aside, how awesome would it be to fill up a room with this stuff? That would probably be the best way possible to die by asphyxiation. At least until somebody invents inhalable vanilla.

Read more about this product at NPR.org
Or just go straight to their website at lewhif.com/

Come on, Texas. If you want to secede from the Union, you have to at least be able to catch a billy goat. This Saturday, a goat got loose in a parking lot near the University of Texas-Permian Basin, and it took four police officers, two animal control officers and an off duty cop on a motorcycle 30 minutes to catch him. For those of you struggling with the maths, that means one goat is about as smart as seven Texans. Congratulations, Texas, and please remember that you’re more than welcome to secede whenever you’d like. Seriously, nobody’s stopping you, you do what you gotta do.

Read more about the story at MSNBC.com

I didn’t watch the Olympics at all. Not because I have some big problem with the Olympics, I just never said to myself, “Man, I could really go for some Biathlon right now.” Still, I really wish I’d watched the championship hockey game between the US and Canada. We tied the game up with 24 seconds left in regulation, but then Canada won in overtime on a goal by “The Next One” Sidney Crosby, and thereby redeemed themselves for being Canada. Congratulations Canada, you win at Hockey, we win at not being Canadian.

Read more about the story on the Huffington Post.

It’s amazing how guns just draw out people’s ability to be crazy. On the one hand, why would a law-abiding citizen mind that another law-abiding citizen is carrying a gun? But on the other hand, how small is your penis that you have to strut into Starbucks like Clint Eastwood with a gun on your waist? Right now, crazy people all over the country are going crazier because Starbucks lets people in states with Right To Carry laws bring their guns into the Starbucks. The gun-nuts all say they don’t trust anyone but themselves to protect them, so they’ll bring their gun wherever they damn well please, and the gun-haters all say the only shots they want with their Starbucks are of espresso. What is it about the second amendment that makes it impossible for people to have a reasonable position whenever it’s involved? Does all this make Starbucks the Saloon of our culture? God, that really says a lot about how pathetic our culture is.

Read more about this story On the Huffington Post

More than 300 people died after an 8.8 magnitude earthquake hit Concepcion, Chile (a city with almost 700,000 people, the same size as DC or New Orleans) in the middle of the night between Friday and Saturday this past weekend. There’s not really a whole lot that’s funny about that, and I’m “A Comedian,” so check out the story in the New York Times for all the details. I guess we just weren’t the world enough to stop earthquakes, huh? Maybe next time ya’ll won’t put Justin Bieber as the lead-in? Clearly that got Poseidon a little bit miffed.

Read the full story in the New York Times

What is this world coming to? The NBA has ruled that Dallas Mavericks (fuck you Wizards for trading him) guard Caron Butler can no longer chew straws during games. The article says Butler would go through an average of about 12 straws per game, making him by far the largest individual straw consumer in the NBA. It wouldn’t surprise me if, because of this ruling, we see the immediate destruction of the straw production industry as we know it.

Check out the article at ESPN.com

I’m a big proponent of people staying fit and taking care of their bodies. I try not to eat shit and workout as often as possible. While I slack off for sure at college, and maybe consume some things I ought not to, I stay healthy. Additionally, I think athletic participation is great because it keeps you in shape and team sports are great for building relationships. I think anyone who wants to cut gym from school programs is a lunatic and most likely a follower of Chairman Mao. Regardless, I highly question the validity and value of Quidditch as an organized, school sanctioned sport. Judging from this article, it has spread into high schools as well. I enjoyed the Harry Potter series too, and my fraternity just had a “Harry Potter and the Half Blood Pikes” party on Saturday. All of that aside, I worry about those who derive “athletic exertion” from a game founded upon the principle of flying broomsticks and a golden flying snitch. Call me a cynic, but at least I’m sane.

Read more about this “sport” at dailycal.org

The only reaction you can have to this video is pretty much, “holy shit, it’s the future.” Blaise Aqua y Arugala shows off Bing maps, and it’s probably the most amazing thing Microsoft has ever done. I literally said “wow” out loud twice watching this video. The only downside is that the really cool parts of the map only work on Internet Explorer, because Microsoft just refuses to admit that nobody in their right mind likes Internet Explorer. Watch this video (it’s only 8 minutes), ideally with your robot wife. She’ll love it.

A bunch of famous artists (seriously, like all of them. Even Lil Wayne, but don’t worry, he’s auto-tuned. And is that Scarlett Johnasson in the back there?) got together recently to re-record We are the World to help Haiti. To keep them from helping Haiti, I’m posting it here for you to watch the video (which was made by Oscar winning director Paul Haggis), but if you actually want to help Haiti, you can pay to download the track at www.World25.org. It’s a good song, and Haitians have it pretty shitty, so go download the damn song. Or just watch it here and send some money anyway.

The Olympics are so cool. And the website for Vancouver 2010 is cool too. It has all the info you would ever need to know about the games. Schedules, profiles, metal counts, bios, news. It’s basically your one stop shop for Olympic things. It’s much better than NBC and ESPN’s coverage.

Check it out at http://www.vancouver2010.com/

What’s wrong with America right now? If you answered “big businesses,” you’re partially correct. If you answered “Two and a Half Men,” well, I’d have to give you credit for that too. If you answered “there’s no sequel to Wallstreet,” you’d be given full credit and graduate at the top of your class. Congratulations. “But Grant,” you stammer as you search for your carelessly tossed mortarboard, “All the graduation in the world doesn’t matter if there’s still no sequel to Wallstreet.” Well then my eager alumni, do I have some news to brighten your day before the real world crushes your soul into oblivion: Wallstreet 2: Money Never Sleeps hits theaters this April! If you haven’t seen Wallstreet, Netflix it or whatever you kids do these days. It’s one of the greatest cautionary tales of greed and power to date, plus Dr. Cox is in it. Now, with that whole recession thing and all, is a perfect time for another jaunt down the corruption riddled block, and if (and this is a big if) the sequel is done right it could be just as memorable as the first. Although Shia Lebouf is no Charlie Sheen (although Charlie Sheen is no Charlie Sheen, whatever that means) and Oliver Stone hasn’t really put out anything great in a while, I have faith. Where there’s potential for failure, there’s potential for success, and where there’s potential for success, Gordon Gecko will certainly be nearby.

Check out the two trailers released today on Apple Trailers

There’s no way I’m going to get to California in April, but for anyone who can, GO TO COACHELLA. Look at this lineup! Passion Pit! Avett Brothers! Hot Chip! Frightened Rabbit! AND MAYBE EVEN THOM YORKE. I would gladly give my left and maybe even right hand to go.

Find out more at Coachella.com

Alec Baldwin was taken to the hospital today because his 14-year old daughter (who’s named Ireland? Really? Ireland?) called the police when he threatened to take some pills during an argument with her. Apparently it was nothing though, because, you know, he didn’t actually take the pills. Still, it’s always impressive when a parent manages to be more childish than their kid.

Read more on The Huffington Post